dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
