I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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