Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
