and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
