Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
