Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
