I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
