probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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