I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
