I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
