look no pants
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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