Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
