Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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