He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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