I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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