dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
