I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
