I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
