I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
