Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
