just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
