No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
