Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
