R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
