After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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