Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm both gender and math confused
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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