dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
either way he was missing a nipple.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
