love makes seman taste better
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
