i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
