Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
