Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Randomize
