I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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