woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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