A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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