I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
