I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
