Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
