So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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