We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I supernannyed him into submission
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
