They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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