her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
