i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
