My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
