i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
