Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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