I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
