Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
