dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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