The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
