So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
